The plank of wood is snugly tied to my outstretched arms, I feel its weight on my shoulders and walk gingerly in the high spike heels. He pushes me to the floor, the pressure on my knees and shins is unbearable. At first I remain very still, holding out as long as I can, and then: he begins to command me to move, insulting me, even kicking me as I am tied helpless. As I feel the blush rise to my cheeks, I can feel the delicious heat run through my body as well. I am objectified now, I am a doll, a toy. And the games that will be played will be played in order to break me.
My experiences of pain have always been merely accidental, unsummoned, unrelated to my own will. As I realized that I was to be tied up and whipped I felt an immediate surge of adrenalin: not only fear, but a kind of curiosity. I wondered: would I be able to withstand it? Would my mind find a way to master my body, suppressing the inevitable panic? When the pain began, I was swept off with it, like a sudden wind or a wave, and all thought was banished from my mind- there was only the fierce and insistent pain. Then there was a voice in my ear, he was giving me a clue- what I had to learn in order to endure this- he told me to stop resisting it. By this point I was already half-tranced, my mind trying to creep back into an almost-sleep world; I tried not to recognize the breasts that were covered in vicious red welts, a few of them lightly breaking the skin. The thighs being whipped, the pussy exposed and red from the clamps, the whip, the cane…but this was my body. I learned not to resist the pain, but to suffer: and this suffering was beautiful because it brought me to a foreign place, an Other place. This was a place I had never visited in my normal painless existence. It was not that the whip ceased to hurt me, it was that the immediate pain was transformed into something permanent: with this pain I was alive, electric.
I had not thought, before my show, that I would enjoy the pain. In this I was correct. But now, months later, I find that it was that very element that I had not considered before that has remained with me. While I have used bondage and submission to create a world of pleasure, of potentials, of anticipations and denials; I had not realized that there were other places still unexplored, other places I had not been. When I watch the scene of the whipping, I can catch a glimpse of this place through my tear-stained face. I can hear it in my hard short breaths, through my wide open mouth. It is there, in my eyes- gazing out but not focused, seeing a world that only I can see.
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